Five Things I've Learned This Summer

And just like that we are back in school! We started 2nd grade and Jr. Kindergarten around here (still a half day, every day program) and it’s been a good first week. We are still working on getting back to bedtimes that are a bit earlier and figure out what our afternoons will look like but I’m grateful for teachers, school routines, and a chance to have a bit of quiet in the mornings after I drop everyone off. As I’ve been reflecting on this summer, on the fact that for the first time really since seminary I’ve been writing more, and on the time I had with the kids home I realized I’ve learned some things that I thought I’d share today in our typical 5 on Friday format, so these are the 5 things I’ve learned, realized or am contemplating as this summer comes to a close here.

ONE

I don’t know about you, but I’m the queen of good intentions. I start out strong with game plans in place to make things AWESOME and be PRODUCTIVE and to GET STUFF DONE! And it is embarrassingly easy for me to slip back into bad habits in a snap. I have always known this about myself, I’m awesome at a plan, terrible at execution of said plan. I’ve seen this play out over and over this summer in various parts of my life. I started with no social media on my phone, with grand intentions to read like crazy this summer. In reality I had Instagram re-loaded by the middle of June and my reading rate was abysmal. I usually can tear through some books in the summer and for some reason this just wasn’t my summer for reading. It could be that I didn’t pick the right titles. If I pick a book I don’t love I still feel compelled to finish it but if I’m not excited about reading it, I pick up my phone to mindlessly scroll instead of picking up my book. It doesn’t take long for this to become a habit again that I then have to break out of. I also realized with this writing goal I had, that I basically have enough free time for one hobby. I could either write or read after the kids went to bed, but I didn’t have the energy for both, which means that since I was writing more I actually was reading far less. I think those trade offs are a part of every area of life—every time we say yes to something we’re saying no to something else because we have a limited amount of time or energy. I don’t know that this is necessarily bad, but it was interesting to be aware of how much less I was reading once I took on the habit of writing (and let myself slip back into the habit of mindless scrolling…)

TWO

One of the things I’ve always struggled with is a deep desire to please people. Of course pleasing people isn’t entirely bad necessarily! But I can think of countless examples where I’ve held my tongue instead of speaking up for fear of disappointing someone, or where I’ve made choices I know those close to me expected me to make even if I wasn’t sure it was the right choice for me. I’ve learned I’m an enneagram 2, which goes right along with the people-pleasing—I’m the “helper,” the one who wants to take care of everyone and refuses to name my own needs to meet everyone else’s. I realized this summer how easy it was to let this slip into what I was choosing to write about. I found myself very aware of who might be reading and how what I said may impact how they viewed me, so I was making sure to try & stick to “safer” topics. One of the things I love the most about having lived in really diverse places is that I have very close friends all across the map when it comes to theology, politics, and ways of living. I love this. I love that I’ve been so challenged on different ideas because I’ve lived with and shared life with people who have thought very differently than I have. But as I’ve been writing I’ve been so aware that I have folks reading who have very different ideologies from one another. If I said anything too political or said something in support of one side of a hot-button issue in churches today, would this group of friends or that group of friends all of a sudden think “she’s not who I thought she was?” I would hope not, but I realized my desire to please people has so often made me silent rather than make waves.

One of the things I am learning about myself is that I often can see multiple sides of an argument. I talk to someone who believes very strongly in one way and I walk away from that conversation fully agreeing with them. The next day I speak with someone who believes the opposite and find myself walking away from that conversation fully in agreement with them. In such a polarized world I actually think it’s been helpful in some ways to be able to fully see why each side believes what they do about a particular issue or candidate, but it’s not awesome in that it makes decision making almost impossible for me! I’m still exploring why it is that I struggle with this, but I strongly suspect it comes from years of wanting to please whoever I’m with in a moment. One of my growing edges, or goals for this next year is to start really articulating (even if it’s just for myself) what I truly value, what I believe about God, humanity, the Church and politics—I know, nice light goals right? When I was going through the ordination process to be a Presbyterian pastor I had to write my own statement of faith, present it in front of a committee and then defend it against their questions. I remember loving that assignment because I was able to articulate so clearly what I believed about things essential to our faith. Maybe it’s time to revisit that type of assignment again. Maybe I need to start re-articulating what I believe and why, and letting that drive how I choose to support an issue or a candidate or a policy. And just maybe I need to trust that my relationships are strong enough to handle me supporting something someone else disagrees with rather than just trying to please those I care about.

THREE

I’ve learned this summer (or rather re-learned) that while I do like writing, this isn’t what I want to do full time. I could. But it’s not what I love. What I really love, and what I’ve always known I’ve loved, is taking a piece of scripture, a bible story, a theological truth, and finding a way to communicate that in a way that connects with others, invites them to look at it differently, or helps them encounter God in a new or deeper way. I could write a book along this vein I guess, a devotional of some kind. But the reality is, I miss getting to preach. I miss the process of writing for the purpose of orally teaching, not just putting words on a page but putting words on a page that are meant to be spoken aloud with conviction and human interaction. And the reality is, after being here for 3 years and getting to know the culture of our current church, I don’t think that is ever going to be a reality where we are currently worshiping. The type of preaching and teaching I love and feel called to, well it’s not the same style as the style that is valued here in this congregation. Which leaves us in a bit of sticky place that I’m not sure we know yet how to navigate. We love our friends and community, and I still have a kiddo at home with me during the day so I’m not looking for a job right this moment. But writing this summer reminded me of what I truly love and then brought to light the reality that if I want to pursue that, it may mean a change will need to be made down the road. When the thing you feel most called to do in life takes place in the life of a faith community, then church and vocation end up overlapping, not always in an easy way. That feels hard and sad and tricky all at the same time right now as I think about it. Part of me is hesitant to even put this out there, but I’m trying to be more honest and less people pleasing. And the honest truth is, I miss public speaking in a church context, I miss getting to do women’s retreats and events, Sunday morning sermons and teaching classes on scripture for people at various stages of life, and I don’t know that I’ll ever be given that opportunity where we currently are. (and as a side note, if you or your church is ever looking for a speaker for a retreat, women’s event, a MOPS group or anything else, let me know! I have lots of references that promise I am not terrible ;)

FOUR

When I was in college I started learning about this thing called the Myers-Briggs Personality Type Indicator (or MBTI). It’s an assessment that tells you how you function in the world—are you an introvert or extrovert? Are you detail oriented or do you see the big picture more easily? Do you make decisions using your gut feeling or a thinking process? Every time I would take the test (and I’ve been on LOTS of leadership teams over the years that have had me take this!) I would test the same way—exactly 50% introvert and 50% extrovert. I love people and I can talk to almost anyone about anything. I’m not afraid of a microphone or being in a social situation where I know no one. But I have always enjoyed downtime to re-charge alone. Reading, listening to music. just driving in a car alone with the radio on is immensely therapeutic for me! As I’ve become a mom, I crave that introvert time even more, because it’s impossible to get lost in thought when someone says “mama!?” every four minutes. I think that’s one reason summer has always felt hard for me, it’s a lot of going place with the kids that are loud or full of people, and it’s a lot of time at home being the only one to respond to all the questions and requests for help. In years past I was so much better at making sure I had some help in place, a sitter one afternoon a week so I could go be alone for a couple hours or a better weekend routine where I could escape for a bit to somewhere other than the grocery store while my husband had the kids. But for some reason this summer I didn’t do any of those things. And it showed by the end. i was snappy, short, easily angered, and mentally exhausted. I didn’t feel like I had anything interesting to write about by the end, because I hadn’t had any quiet just to think about anything in two and half months. I didn’t name my needs, I didn’t advocate for myself the way I needed to or put a routine in place that got me those mental breaks I needed and by the time school started, i wasn’t the nicest of people to live with. When I think of things I’ve learned this summer, the fact that I do need help and a break is one of them. I’ve already made a note on the June page of my planner for this next year to hire a sitter once a week, just in case I ever get to June again and decide “oh I’ll be fine!” Nope. No mam, Sarah, you won’t be fine. Hire that help, take a break, stop feeling guilty for that and admit you need to be alone. Everyone in your house will thank you.

FIVE

I have loved thinking up things to share! It has been so fun to pay attention to things I’m learning, reading, listening to or doing and think “is this something I could share about?” But also, some weeks, it’s tough to find 5 things! I plan to keep writing, it’s definitely something I want to keep practicing. I’m not sure exactly what format these posts will take going forward, definitely still some 5 on Friday, but perhaps some more variety as I play around with what I’m wanting to explore. I realize I like writing about meal planning and how to organize school paperwork just as much as I love writing about encouragement to know God more, so definitely don’t look for this to become a single-topic niche blog! Friends, I have so appreciated all the comments, “likes”, shares and encouragement I’ve received from so many of you as I’ve been playing around here this summer, those things have been such a gift that I don’t take lightly! So thanks for taking this journey with me!