Distraction, "Twitchiness" and Detoxing

If you had asked me a few months ago if I had an addictive personality, if I get super attached to certain habits, activities, vices etc I probably would have told you no, not really. I enjoy certain things, but I can put them down fairly easily and enter into the rest of my life without a lot of struggle. I don’t feel the need to reach one more level on a video games, I enjoy a glass of wine but don’t want it daily, I will watch a TV series but don’t need to binge it all in one night, I’m happy to stretch it out over a few weeks (mostly because I like sleep and won’t stay up late!), and no one can ever accuse me of becoming obsessive about fitness or exercise given my on again off again relationship with my gym. What I’ve learned in the past month, however, is that sometimes we don’t realize what those habits or addictions really are until we are forced to examine life without something.

I knew social media was taking up way more of my time and attention than I wanted it to. I knew I had the terrible (yet I’d imagine common) habit of waking up to my phone alarm, grabbing it in the dark early hours of morning and immediately opening one of these apps to see what was new overnight. I knew I’d instinctively, and often without even thinking about it, pick up my phone at every red light for a 30 second perusal of what might have been new since the last red light (and in true algorithm fashion every time I reopened an app it WAS something new that I hadn’t seen, only reinforcing the idea that I should keep checking it). What I did not know was how many times a day I reached for my phone outside of these bad habits I was already aware of.

I have a dear friend who gave up all social media years ago and she warned me, “you’re going to feel twitchy, unsure of what to do with your hands at a red light, reaching for something that isn’t there multiple times a day, and you need to have something to replace your phone in these moments—a book, another hobby, something else to do with your hands in the evening other than scroll while you relax.” Man, she was definitely right. We truly do not realize how many times a day we reach for our phones, how many times a day we mindlessly open an app, even for 10 seconds at a time. Every time we are in a line, waiting for water to boil, sitting on the couch watching something with our families, we are constantly tempted by these little glowing screens. Anytime we give up a habit we absolutely need something to put in its place and if we aren’t careful the things we fill that space with can also be unhelpful.

I realized, just by paying attention to how I was feeling over the next few weeks, that the late afternoon hours, between 3:30 and 7 are actually when I find myself reaching for my phone the most often. Which seems strange, my kids are home, I’m busy with them and their homework, activities, dinner making etc. You’d think those would be the times of day I’d be least likely to need a distraction. Yet I think the over stimulation of their chaos, noise, and non stop needs sends me running for distraction in ways I didn’t realize. I wrote in my journal after a few days that I find myself aimlessly wandering the house in these hours, still needing to be available for them but also kind of bored and absolutely “twitchy”. If I’m waiting for water to boil or the oven to preheat and they are enjoying screen time, I find myself unsure of what to do. That surprised me, I didn’t know that about myself, that I was using the five minute distractions to hide from my real life or to entertain myself when I really didn’t need to be entertained. I’ve had to make a conscious effort to stand still, take some deep breaths when the stress of those post-school, pre-dinner hours hit, and lean in instead of pulling away from them. I’ve started keeping a novel open on the kitchen counter so if I’m waiting for water to boil I can read for 5 minutes, and I’ve started trying to sit at the table and do my small group bible study lesson while Asher does his homework so I can be present with him and keep him focused but still have a task of my own so I don’t completely loose my patience with him when I usually want to just yell “why are you walking in circles can you PLEASE just finish this one page?!” I’ve made sure I’ve printed my dinner recipes so I’m not cooking off my phone, and am trying to be disciplined about keeping my phone in my purse for these hours. It’s been difficult, these habits I didn’t know I had aren’t going to change overnight. But I’m working on it, and if it hadn’t been for this challenge I’ve given myself I don’t know that I ever would have been fully aware of how bad my desire for distraction during these hours really is.

When I was thinking about taking a year off, I made a list of what I might miss out on. I put down things like funny reels or memes, and it’s true, I’ve seen far fewer this month, and also, it’s been fine. I knew I’d miss the distraction, and I sure have, and also, I know that’s a good thing. I knew I’d miss news from acquaintances, and I don’t know if I have or not, and also, it’s probably okay. If someone isn’t close enough to me to text me personally an important update in their life, do I really need to know that information? Part of me wants to know, but is that really mine to be a part of if I haven’t talked to someone in a decade? I know that I’ve reached out to more folks individually to check on them instead of just relying on their Facebook updates to tell me they’re safe in a storm, and those text conversations have been far more personal than seeing what they’ve posted, providing an opportunity for actual connection rather than just scrolling past an update. And because I haven’t been online sharing our own updates, I’ve had family members reach out to me from long distance to check on us in a way that means the world to me, many of these texts have led to more indepth conversations than I would have had with them had they just seen on line that we were safe from a storm. My life’s gotten quieter without the constant input on what everyone else is doing or thinking, and while at times that feels weird, I think it also feels right.

I’ll be honest, it’s been a weird month to sign off. On September 24, the day after my 43rd birthday, I let Aidan change my Facebook and Instagram passwords to something only he knew (I did make him write it down on a note in Chuck’s phone so a year from now I’m not completely locked out if I do want to sign in again!) and on September 25 Hurricane Helene was bearing down on our state. The thing I realized about Facebook especially, is that while it is incredibly distracting and can be a huge time suck, it is often an incredible communication tool. Local folks know this, but when a hurricane is brewing, Mike’s Weather Page on Facebook is the best spot to go for all the info—the models being updated multiple times a day, information on expected impacts, wind, surge, power outages, and then details when the storm is actually hitting as he storm chases throughout the night. The information he provides is far above and beyond what our local news gives us, and the chance to interact with others in the comments on his videos helps you feel like you’re in this together rather than just reading a news article on a local news site. I’ll admit, when Helene was headed our way, I absolutely borrowed Chuck’s phone and jumped on to see what Mike was saying multiple times a day for several days. I found I wasn’t even that interested in scrolling or seeing what friends were up to as we rode out those days at home, I didn’t really miss Instagram at all, I missed the information I knew was unique to what he was sharing on Facebook. The same was the case when Milton was brewing and heading towards Florida. Could we have gone through these storms without Mike’s page? Of course. But I realized quite quickly that type of networking and information sharing was the thing I immediately felt lost without. That’s not a good or bad realization, just something I’ve made note of—when hurricane season finally ends (please God let that be soon) I don’t know that there’s really anything on this platform I’ll be missing in quite the same way, but the temptation to distract myself and check out for 5-10 minutes many many times a day is going to be a longer habit to break.

When I shared on social media that I was signing out for a year (yes I get the irony of sharing this ON social media itself!) the number one thing people said to me when they emailed to ask to be included on my email list was “I’ve thought about doing this too but am too afraid of what I might miss” or “I need help with my own social media usage but don’t know how to stop.” Friends, this is something I think we all struggle with. I don’t necessarily think everyone is called to quit cold turkey, but I think we can all admit we live in a culture of distraction that is impacting our relationships, our parenting, our own mental focus and health, and I can only speak for myself but I found that my desire for distraction and the amount of time I sought that out was far greater than I even realized until I signed out. I have so many more observations I’m making note of as I go, and I’ll share those in a future post as this one has gotten far long enough. I’ll be back in two weeks with an update on what else we’ve been doing in October, and what else I’ve been learning in this process, but for today, thanks for reading along and being part of this learning with me! May this week hold cooler weather, no storms, and opportunities for us to be fully present right where God has us for this season of life.